An open letter to anyone who goes to the cinema:

Shut the fuck up. No really. Shut your big fat flapping mouth. Keep your licking hole closed. If there are big moving images in front of you, nothing is required of you but silence. That is how little is needed from you. You could be dead for the imput required. And if you keep talking in a cinema while I'm around, this may well happen.

read moreI've got a pet theory that there many of the world's so called random serial killings can be explained away by simply examining the victim's behaviour on his last visit to the cinema. "Yeah, apparently Sarge, this fellow here talked on his mobile all the way through "Batman Begins" - and then was found six hours later with his skull caved in and his mobile up his arse. It's a mystery."

Let me explain. I am a stand up comedian. A big part of my job involves telling strangers to shut up, often with a healthy dose of ridicule and scorn. This is not a talent I leave on the stage. I am free to use it in other areas of my life, a darkened cinema being a choice example.

The cinema is a good barometer for the general empathy rating of a nation. Just how well do we relate to our fellow man? Just how selfish are we? How much do we care? Well, judging by my recent visits, not a lot. This country seems to be rapidly becoming populated by self absorbed bores with no idea that anyone even exists but them and their moronic giggle buddies.

A friend of mine has an odd talent in this direction in that he can recall the exact nature of the distraction that occurred during every film he has ever seen. I test him occasionally. "Goodfellas." I enquire. He considers, before replying "Couple three rows back, two seats to the left arguing in whiny voices."

"Hellboy" - "Mobile going off four rows in front - the guy took the call and spent ten minutes chatting to a man called Roy."

"Minority Report" - "Two rows behind me - football team eating lobsters using nutcrackers and hammers."

And so on.

I have sat in the dark and I have fantasised about the perfect tool to defeat this menace. After some consideration I eventually concluded that it was a small gas powered tranquilliser dart pistol. I have fantasised at length about using such a device and eventually concluded that I would find firing knock out darts into the necks of noisy inconsiderate twats more entertaining than most of the films I've seen in the past year. And if I swapped my dart pistol for a claw hammer then there isn't hasn't been a film made that competes in the satisfaction stakes.

Either they start making better films or I'm going to start making my own entertainment.