I Am Quitting Myspace

Firstly, don't get me wrong. It's been a blast. You're all close personal friends of mine and I will truly miss all the partying we do. But I feel it's time to move on. Facebook maybe. Or I might even go outside. Stop crying, you'll find other friends.

Now I was planning to just slink away like a thief in the night. But here's the rub: Myspace won't let me. And it's pissing me off.

About a week ago I tried to cancel. Here are the buttons I had to press, each of which lead to a new screen with variations on the theme of “Are you sure, little boy?”;

Account Settings,

Cancel Account,

Cancel My Account,

Cancel My Account.

The last one read as follows:

“We're sorry you're leaving MySpace!
Please briefly explain in the form below why you're cancelling. You can really help us improve MySpace!”

By this stage I wanted to kill someone. But they weren't done:

“NOTE: You will receive an email from MySpace instructing you on how to confirm your cancellation request. You must follow the instructions in that email to complete cancellation of your account. Thank you.”

I went through this process at least three times. I received no e-mail. It's been a week. I've had enough. I want out.

Not only that, I want revenge. Revenge for being treated like a witless simpleton stuck in a call queue. Revenge for the transparent psychological ploy of trying to keep me in Myspace by making it too irritating to leave. Revenge on Rupert Murdoch for being Rupert Murdoch. And taking Sky One from my Virgin package, damn him.

And you can help me.

Here is my plan:

If you've been feeling a little lacklustre about the whole Myspace experience for a while but just needed that little push, I am here to shove you in the back.

I want to stage a mass exodus from Myspace.

I want to start a meme that swells and grows and hits Myspace where it really hurts; membership numbers.

Firstly, I want everyone who reads this to report me for abuse using the abuse button at the bottom of my page. Get me banned. I don't care how I get out I just want out.

Secondly, forward this to anyone you think might appreciate it.

And then, if you've had enough of Myspace, try and leave. Go on, try. Not that easy is it? Failing that, you might want to try making your pages hideously offensive, then report each other for abuse.

And then all move to Facebook. Job done.

(Update - it worked - just got an e-mail from Myspace - "Account deleted for violation of Terms of Service" It does my heart proud to think of all the unsung heroes out there who reported me for abuse. Thanks to anyone who bothered.)