What Are You Doing?

It’s tricky, this whole being a writer thing.

On one hand, I prefer telling people what I do for a living when I first meet them. Saying “I’m a stand-up comic.” used to have such an odd effect on people. They would get excited and their eyes would shine and they would start trying to be really funny themselves, as if I had started a funny competition and entered us both. And not in a sexy way.

read moreThey would also laugh at anything I said, even if all I was saying was stuff like “What time is it?” or “You’re freaking me out, I’m going over there now.”

Now, when I say “I’m a writer”, barely an eyebrow rises. Which makes for a more restful evening and on the whole, I prefer. No pressure to perform or desire to run away from randomly laughing people.

I suppose a reason for people’s low reaction to saying you’re a writer is that it’s such a catch-all term. It could mean anything, from; “I’ve got a blog that my family and two old college buddies read. Occasionally.” or “I’ve got some lyrics in a folder under my bed which I’ve never shown to anyone but which will one day, I’m sure, form the basis of a hit West End Musical. The main themes are toejam and skin tags.”

Or, as is my case, I am earning enough money from writing to pay the mortgage and eat. Which I am really pleased about.

As to what I am writing about, well, at the moment, I can’t tell you. I’d love to spill the beans on everything; every pointless meeting, every ridiculous studio note, every actor who turns out to be a nice guy, or a knob.

But that kind of thing simply isn’t done in this business. At least, not if you want to stay in it.

So broadly, here’s what’s currently happening;

1) Rewrites on my own comedy film script about time travel. Which is on course to become a proper film.
2) A teenage sex comedy – a rewrite of someone else’s script.
3) A fantasy thriller television series of mine is being optioned by a major broadcaster.
4) I’m also writing a spec script of my own of comedy sketches. Which not even my agent has seen.

Bask in my cuspdom! This time next year I’ll be eating caviar out of ladyboy’s navels.

As opposed to Pot Noodle. Which is what I am currently eating out of ladyboy’s navels.

That is all.